HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
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The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.