Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
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Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.