I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
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I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.