Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
You Might Also Like
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
“i miss shittin on people”
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.