Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
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Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
stand with me against insufficient seating
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*