My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
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Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Covid like
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim