You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
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Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.