I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
You Might Also Like
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
“i am a sweet baby”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”