If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
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Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
the three branches of government
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume