I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
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My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really