i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
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I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Banking tips
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues