[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
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[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Well, shit
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.