Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
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I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.