There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
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me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Owl Sanctuary
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please