[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
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If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Who called it baking and not making love
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Had an epiphany today.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.