A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
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I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
wishing you and yours all the best
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.