My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
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At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
never forget
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.