My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
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“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it鈥檚 just filled with hot dog water
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I鈥檓 still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I hope this email finds you in a well
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I鈥檒l need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
why doesn鈥檛 every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Some early signs you鈥檙e growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I鈥檓 ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 馃槀馃ぃ
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
gf: where鈥檚 that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what鈥檚 in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.