We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
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Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Those are good neighbors.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
“I’m helping” 😅
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.