I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
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I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)