[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
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[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
i made a craigslist ad !
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return