I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
You Might Also Like
War & Peace
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*