You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
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kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
January has been Januweary
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.