Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Personal question. #JustSaying
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”