Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
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Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.