Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
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Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.