It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
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coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.