Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
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Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping