Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
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A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad