Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
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I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here