Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
You Might Also Like
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Happy Febuary everyone!
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Isn’t
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.