cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
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In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.