SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
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I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
That’s amazing.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I needed a laugh this morning.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.