If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
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I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years