I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
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Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer