My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
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[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*