[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
You Might Also Like
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Fiction has to make sense.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me