[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
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3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why