Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
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“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
A bold strategy
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?