We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
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We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!