6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
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The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming