We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
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‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.