Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
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I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.