Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
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Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
There is no try. There is only give up.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.