Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
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i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
A great tip. #CakeRex
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.