me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
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Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.