My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
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Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”