I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
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[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.