Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
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WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP