I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
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Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first